Quotes is not only a wisdom sentence that motivate you. Funny quotes will make you have a little smirk during your hard time.
From the legendary Jim Carrey to sarcastic Ellen De Generes. Here’s 60 funny quotes that will brighten up your day.
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1.“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
2. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry
3. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
4. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” -Noelle Chatham.
5. “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.” –
6. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
7. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
8. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” – Anthony Burgess
9. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron.
10. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” –
11. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.” – Anonymous.
12. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
13. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
14. “I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” —Larry Timmons.
15. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. – Anonymous.
16. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein.
17. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. ” – Billy Sunday
18. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh
19. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
20. “I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” – Henny Youngman
21. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
22. “Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
23. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
24. “They say love is more important than money. Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? – Dave Chappelle
25. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
26. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
27. “I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.” – Jimmy Fallon
28. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
29. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
30. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
31. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers
32. “Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.” – Ricky Gervais
33. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope
34. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” – Anonymous
35. “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
36. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. ” – Jay Leno
37. “I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” – Leo Durocher
38. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”Robin Williams
39. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” – Anonymous
40. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
41. “Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” – Joey Adams
42. “Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.” – Josh Billings
43. “The road to success is always under construction. ” – Lily Tomlin
44. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
45. “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” -George Burns
46. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
47. “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” – Nicole Hollander
48. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
49. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
50. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
51. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher
52. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West
53. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
54. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
55. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln
56. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
57. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips
58. “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. ” – Ellen DeGeneres
59. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie,
60. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” Groucho Marx
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Don’t take live too serious! Lets dance in the rain and read those funny quotes!